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Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen Movie Streaming.
Movie Title: Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen is available for streaming or downloading. Click Here to Stream or Download Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen |
I have one word to record this movie. That word is “unpleasant.”
This is an almost unbearable drama about a college student transported via a time disappear headband in an arcade to the days of Oliver Cromwell’s England. I watched it because it sounded droll, but the reality is that it smells like a wet dog. The three main place points are essentially time fade, Cromwell’s England, and animal husbandry (of sorts.) The student is played by the fetid Shannon Dow Smith (yes, he’s the hero) who teaches the ladies of Dorset to hurry a castle plump of illicit trade amongst the Puritans. Needless to say there are terrible costumes, really dreadful English accents (The movie was filmed in Romania, and most of the smaller parts were played by Romanians who learned their lines phonetically!), and incredibly moronic station twists.
Technically the movie is quite abominable. Lots of camera jitter can be seen on occasion. At least once the sound and film were not in sync, resulting in people speaking with no words being heard. My biggest overall complaints, though, were the music and the editing. The editing was so choppy, that it was actually offensive to watch; frequently scenes were stuck in where they made absolutely no sense, and only abet to confuse the already muddled station. The music is “detached jazz” type piano music that is about 100 decibels louder than the rest of the soundtrack, so have your thumb on the volume control on the remote. As a final affront to the audience, the cast is listed in the credits, but the character names are not, meaning you have no clue who was who, except in the extremely unlikely event that you had heard of any of these actors before.
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There are very few highlights to discuss. They are Betsy Lynn George and the girl who played the waitress reach the college in the frame shots. Betsy Lynn George is sparkling, and is probably the only actress in the film with genuine thespian talent. She is better known for her friendly starring role in “Petticoat Planet” which I recommend only in preference to this film (marginally) . I am unsure who the waitress is (thanks to the credits) but have it is Christi Harris, although I am not definite of that. Whoever she is, she is also decent in her role and is very fine. Beyond this minor praise, the rest of the film is a mess.
I can’t imagine any reason I would ever look this again unless threatened with coarse bodily afflict. Shame on you David LeCoteau for directing this fraction of drek (under pseudonym “Ellen Cabot”), and shame on you Vlad and Oana Paunescu for producing something so artistically and morally bankrupt.
Maybe I don’t understand the definition of “lurid.” From my perspective, I believe this film would have been more aptly entitled, “Warm and Cozy Castle Tales.” If you want hot busty babes, hot sex, hot raunch, and lots of nudity, this film is probably not for you.
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